More thoughts on UK Music Festivals and live tours

Why isn’t T rocking?

Most of the major UK music festivals so far have shown a leaning to classic and hard rock that would have even the most cynical rocker impressed but Scotland’s premier festival, T in The Park, appears to be letting the side down. Its common knowledge that the Scots like to have a drink and a party, with Angus Young from AC/DC one of the few Scottish adults who doesn’t take a drink but perhaps the schoolboy uniform has something to do with that, so this omission is puzzling. Yes, there is a recession on and the festival has no doubt tried to go for as mainstream and punter-pulling line-up as possible but the success of so many other festivals with classic guitarists and legendary front-men on their main stage indicates that rock can be a winner.

So whilst Neil Young rocked out on the Isle of Wight and Glastonbury and Sonisphere can look forward to Metallica, T in the Park can welcome Lady Gaga, Snow Patrol and
The Saturdays. Yes, as a manufactured girl group with a large fan base they have their place in society but is it really in front of a baying audience who wants to hear their music? We can only hope the girls make it out alive but perhaps a little bit of defiance may persuade the T in the Park promoters that there is room for a little rock n roll in Balado.

The Manic Street Preachers are a headliner in a tent on Saturday so it is not all shiny pop or thumping techno and with the band playing new material featuring lyrics from Richey Edwards, it may be a throwback to their early days when they rocked with a vengeance. Another blast from the past headlining over the weekend are Blur but as was so often the case, their set will be compared with the Oasis shows that are taking place at Wembley Stadium. These two are always going to be inter-linked although some find it funny that Daman Albarn is the brains behind the Gorillaz given that Noel Gallagher, Liam Gallagher and their army of fans are likened to shaved apes by a number of observers.

Of course, T in The Park has had many classic and vibrant rock stars before so perhaps the omission this year is a one off. Those who witnessed it will not forget the sight of Iggy Pop bouncing about the main stage inviting the kids up to party with him or Dave Grohl wowing a capacity crowd with the Foo Fighters but making most people secretly wish they were watching Nirvana.

The thing is though, the hard rocking acts may be missing from the stage but you can bet there will be lot of Ramones, Sex Pistols, Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin t-shirts being worn but the crowd and riffs rolling around the camp site. DF Concerts and (bald) head honcho Geoff Ellis may have lost touch with what the people want from a music festival but you can bet your life that the people who turn up at T in The Park 2009 will be rocking out from start to finish.

Rules for festivals

If you misbehave at a football match you run the risk of a Football Banning Order, I want to have similar system introduced for festival and outdoor summer concerts. All the newspapers have pullout sections on ‘Festival Essentials’, but they are all "remember the baby wipes and Kath Kidson wellies", so here is the enforcement list to make all our lives (well, mine at least) better when the time comes to leave the sleazy dingy rock clubs and see our favourite bands in a field.

1) Blankets – This is not fucking Glyndebourne. Either stand up or sit on the ground. And certainly no shooting sticks or picnic chairs
2) You are standing in a field. There are no seats. No seat numbers. So you can not reserve a space for your friends and get arsy when someone stands within a 2 metre radius of you. Similarly if someone taller than you stands in front of you, too bad. If you had eaten your vegetables as kid like your mum said you would be taller.
3) Face paint – are you a teenage public school girl cheering on Andy Murray at Wimbledon? No? Well don’t do it then.
4) Flags – yes, I know they have got very popular this year – which is the problem. So popular that you can see fuck all from behind them.
5) Putting your girlfriend on your shoulders. She now has two choices. Either she flashes her tits or she is going to get bombarded with bottles. The choice is yours.
6) Talking of girlfriends…. Taking girlfriends that have no interest in the music and whose last CD purchase was a Ministry of Sound chillout album. The only people exempt from this rule are Australians as they have the ‘Beer Wench’ sorted. English girlfriends are far more likely to whine and then 2 minutes before the headline act comes on say something like “oh, go on babes. I really fancy a glass of wine and some chips. Plleeeeaase”
7) Fancy dress – Is your ex-wife denying you access to your child? No? Well drop the Fathers-For-Justice look. It looks bloody stupid on stag nighters and idiots at the cricket. It looks even dumber at a festival
8) Crusties doing circus acts. If you are one, then fuck off. If you see one, it is your duty to garrotte them with their Diablo string or to chock them to death with their stupid knitted hat. While you are at it, make sure you tell them that no one knows their bank account number and sort code off by heart, and that even if they did they wouldn’t give them to them in the street just because they greet you with a cheery wave and a Greenpeace kagool
9) Official merchandise. As we all know, official merch, especially T-shirts suck. But even if it didn’t, you may never, ever, ever, ever, ever buy a T-shirt at the gig and then put it on. It is not cool. In fact it is worse than not cool. It is the mark of a rank amateur and a complete tool. What are you expecting to happen? Someone to look at you and your crispy new T-shirt and say “Cool T-shirt man. Wow, are you really here at this gig, just like me and 50,000 other people? That is too awesome, you really are my new hero”
10) Lighters – unless of course you are at a Bob Jovi concert.

No doubt I have missed a couple, so please feel free to add suggestion for more offences deserving of a concert banning order