Congratulations to Eddie Van Halen

Congrats to Eddie Van Halen for allegedly cracking a smile and enjoying himself by getting married. Brother Alex is an ordained minister (really? not exactly rock n' roll now is it?) and the Pilsbury Dough Boy was best man. No, hang on a minute, I am just hearing that it wasn't actually the real Pilsbury Dough Boy, but Eddie's kid, Wolfgang Van Halen doing the best man duties.

Given that Sammy Hager owns his own Tequila distillery, you would have thought that after a couple of apologies he would have been a far better choice. You can hardly ask your son to order you the strippers.

Reports suggest that EVH did the deed with his shirt un-tucked whilst wearing flip-flops. Nice look

Anyway, good luck Eddie and now that you are at least a but happier with the world (insert your own jokes about being a married man here) might mean the Van Halen tour might finally touch down in the UK

Rules for festivals

If you misbehave at a football match you run the risk of a Football Banning Order, I want to have similar system introduced for festival and outdoor summer concerts. All the newspapers have pullout sections on ‘Festival Essentials’, but they are all "remember the baby wipes and Kath Kidson wellies", so here is the enforcement list to make all our lives (well, mine at least) better when the time comes to leave the sleazy dingy rock clubs and see our favourite bands in a field.

1) Blankets – This is not fucking Glyndebourne. Either stand up or sit on the ground. And certainly no shooting sticks or picnic chairs
2) You are standing in a field. There are no seats. No seat numbers. So you can not reserve a space for your friends and get arsy when someone stands within a 2 metre radius of you. Similarly if someone taller than you stands in front of you, too bad. If you had eaten your vegetables as kid like your mum said you would be taller.
3) Face paint – are you a teenage public school girl cheering on Andy Murray at Wimbledon? No? Well don’t do it then.
4) Flags – yes, I know they have got very popular this year – which is the problem. So popular that you can see fuck all from behind them.
5) Putting your girlfriend on your shoulders. She now has two choices. Either she flashes her tits or she is going to get bombarded with bottles. The choice is yours.
6) Talking of girlfriends…. Taking girlfriends that have no interest in the music and whose last CD purchase was a Ministry of Sound chillout album. The only people exempt from this rule are Australians as they have the ‘Beer Wench’ sorted. English girlfriends are far more likely to whine and then 2 minutes before the headline act comes on say something like “oh, go on babes. I really fancy a glass of wine and some chips. Plleeeeaase”
7) Fancy dress – Is your ex-wife denying you access to your child? No? Well drop the Fathers-For-Justice look. It looks bloody stupid on stag nighters and idiots at the cricket. It looks even dumber at a festival
8) Crusties doing circus acts. If you are one, then fuck off. If you see one, it is your duty to garrotte them with their Diablo string or to chock them to death with their stupid knitted hat. While you are at it, make sure you tell them that no one knows their bank account number and sort code off by heart, and that even if they did they wouldn’t give them to them in the street just because they greet you with a cheery wave and a Greenpeace kagool
9) Official merchandise. As we all know, official merch, especially T-shirts suck. But even if it didn’t, you may never, ever, ever, ever, ever buy a T-shirt at the gig and then put it on. It is not cool. In fact it is worse than not cool. It is the mark of a rank amateur and a complete tool. What are you expecting to happen? Someone to look at you and your crispy new T-shirt and say “Cool T-shirt man. Wow, are you really here at this gig, just like me and 50,000 other people? That is too awesome, you really are my new hero”
10) Lighters – unless of course you are at a Bob Jovi concert.

No doubt I have missed a couple, so please feel free to add suggestion for more offences deserving of a concert banning order

Who is the real Boss?

Glastonbury, for some people, is the music festival to end all music festivals whereas for some other people, it’s about much more than the tunes. Whatever your opinion on the festival is, you cant deny it manages to bring together a whole host of fantastic artists and two of the biggest names in classic rock are turning up for the fun in what will probably be another mud-fest. If catching trenchfoot isn’t your idea of fun, don’t despair as there is the chance to catch Neil Young and Bruce Springsteen around the UK as well in the forthcoming weeks.
When it comes to long-life and still rocking out, its hard to beat Neil Young. Sure Bob Dylan manages to tour and wow fans the world over but he has moved back to an acoustic showcase but Neil Young remains ‘Rocking in the Free World’ with a set that draws on all the hard rocking albums he has released, many ably assisted by Crazy Horse. They may not be the most technically gifted backing band but they are perfectly summed up by Neil’s own view that Crazy Horse are the American Rolling Stones. Neil Young may be no Mick Jagger at the front of the stage but the boys at the back know how to blend a tune like Keith Richards, Brian Jones and co. Closely linked with The Byrds and Crosby, Stills and Nash, Young has remained at the cutting edge of music since the mid 60s. When many of his era were being scared by punk, Young was singing about Johnny Rotten and working with Devo. Well over a decade later, Young was making music with Pearl Jam and his lyrics about it being “better to burn out than fade away” was quoted in Kurt Cobain’s suicide note. From classic rock to grunge, via folk and electro, Neil Young is worthy of any platitude that may come his way.
Bruce Springsteen may not have the breadth and depth associated with Young but he has no less talent and has a few turns of pace up his sleeve. Some fans prefer ‘The River’ whereas the extremely popular ‘Born In The USA’ will always have support, his live performances are always a joy to behold and can last for hours and hours, depending on his mood. Johnny Ramone or Johnny Thunders may have felt that a short, sharp gig was the way to give their fan base genuine excitement but The Boss believes in giving value for money when he performs.
The thing is though, it is hard to think of Young or Springsteen without contemplating Bob Dylan, a contemporary of the Canadian and a huge influence on the All American boy. The times may be a changing but classic artists never go out of style or fashion and these three big names are proving this to be very true. The exact same can be said for Tom Waits, who may not have shifted the units in the manner of the other three but the gravel throated singer has a huge following of his own and with songs like ‘Tom Trauberts Blues’, more than holds his own in such illustrious company.
These guitar heroes can be found at Glastonbury or at their own major London shows this weekend and in other venues for the rest of the summer so if you fancy getting in touch with some genuine rock heroes, its never too late.

It’s time to find your Muse again

News that Muse are well down the line of making their new album, entitled ‘The Resistance’ and due for release in September is sure to be big news for fans of the Prog rockers. Muse are a band that manage to divide opinion and for those that love Matt Bellamy and the bombastic nature of the band, many more feel he is just a poor mans Thom Yorke with the band stealing some of the praise due for Radiohead. Regardless of what you think of the band, there is no doubt that they wear their musical influences very much on their sleeve so you can expect to be bombarded with some older tracks as canny record companies attempt to cash in on the wave of influence that Muse will bring in the Autumn.
You cant listen to Muse for too long without thinking of the theatrical nature of Queen and the way they appeal to enough people to fill huge arenas and even stadiums. You don’t have to study the music of either band for too long to recognise the influence on Bellamy, as it is quite evident and the commercial fretwork of Brian May is just a big a factor as the grandiose nature of Freddie Mercury on the band. Queen may be a guilty pleasure for some but you just know that Muse would have killed to have unleashed a lyric like “Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?” With a stage show that will surely blow most of their rivals away, there is a very clear line between the stadium thrilling antics of Mercury and what is offered by up today’s tight three piece led by Matt Bellamy.
Of course, for some, Muse are the current heirs to the Progressive Rock throne and that means they have a sound that draws from the well of so many great bands. Pink Floyd are an obvious act that springs to mind and the way that Muse try to draw a massive stage show from their music is reminiscent of the huge work of Roger Waters, although Dave Gilmour is an understated guitarist in the style that Muse could never manage to convey. Its not as if Muse are a direct rip-off from Pink Floyd because you would not say there was much of the Syd Barret influence on the band either but one front man who Matt Bellamy has probably examined for hints and tips is Peter Gabriel. Yes, We all know that you secretly prefer the songs sung by that shaved ape Phil Collins but Gabriel was at the helm for the most artistic era of Genesis and the genius of ‘The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway’ is written all over the songs where Muse extend themselves to their upper limits.
Muse aren’t for everyone and your standard Oasis or Happy Mondays fan will be turning their nose up at the music churned out by the band but in an era when some bands don’t try hard enough, this accusation cannot be levelled at Muse. They may continue to split opinions but the history books will probably place the song writing of Matt Bellamy favourably alongside the work of Noel Gallagher, Richard Ashcroft and Richey Manic.

New Aerosmith album? We live in hope

New Aerosmith T-shirt.... IT'S HERE

Blind faith and ceaseless optimism mean that despite the best part of 20 years since Aerosmith wrote a decent album (personally, I love Pump, and a couple of tracks of Get A Grip), I am still excited by the prospect of an Aerosmith album. Of course, there has also been talk of a Joe Perry Project album, and with all JPP albums being bloody fantastic, I should be more excited by that. However with reports of Aerosmith going into rehearsals to practice Rocks/Toys (depending on which reports you read) prior to heading out on a North American tour, I am dreaming of a conversation that went something like:

Steven: "Eeeeawwooo, zipabadidooo, doooo doooo doooo daaa doooow"
Joe: "Cool guys, we really used to rock, why don't we do that again?"
Steven: "Yaaakkkkaaaaa yyyyyyyyaaahhhhhh yayayayayayaya"
Brad: "True, all this messing about with outside songwriters sucks, we haven't written anything even close to being as cool as Back In The Saddle in 20 years..... lets get back to rockin'"
Joey: "Has anyone seen my vitamins?"
Steven: "Zzzzoooooooowwwww biba biba biba yyyoooowww"
Joe:"Right then, all agreed. No more lame assed ballads or Disney songs, just low down and dirty rock n' roll - and a bonus track that sounds like Train Kept A Rollin' so I can suck up to Jeff Beck some more"
Brad: "Of course, better throw in something Steven can 'scat' on."
Joe: "Obviously. All agreed"
Steven: "Zippaaaaa dibooo dading, powwww"
Joey: "I need my Sanatogen"
Brad: "Let's do this thing"
Tom: "Yeaaahhh. But shouldn't someone tell Steven?"
Steven: "cocaaaaiiiiinnnnnee and puuuuuuuuuussssssssssyyyy"
Joe: "I think he is already on the case"

It all seems such a long way from when they were discovered at Max's Kansas City way back when. We can but hope that this time the greatest band in American rock n' roll history finally rediscover their mojo.

It’s okay to get the blues

June and July have so many gigs and festivals that it can be hard to keep up to date with everyone that is playing and sometimes there can be some cracking gigs that slip by un-noticed. One such tour at the moment which may not be getting the column inches compared to the others but is sure to be a great night out is the BB King and John Mayall tour. It’s hard to think of too many Blues guitarists with more experience and talent than Mayall and if there is, they’ve definitely worked with or been influenced by these two. When a guitar player has a name for his axe, you know its something special and there isn’t a more famously named guitar than BB Kings ‘Lucille’. It may be a woman’s name but the name just conjures up tremendous licks and driving rhythms and King still rocks out, regardless of his age.
Of course, John Mayall is no slouch either and when you think of Mayall, its hard not to think about Eric Clapton and all the other amazing names who featured in its line-up. With the exception of The Byrds or The Yardbirds, it’s hard to think of a band that had more famous names than the Bluesbreakers and even if you are unfamiliar with the music, you’ll instantly know some of the star turns who used the band as a stepping stone to even greater things. Eric Clapton cut his teeth there and then took bassist Jack Bruce to form Cream alongside Ginger Baker. Cream were probably the first ever supergroup and vied with The Jimi Hendrix Experience for the role of most scintillating rock trio of all time.
Cream owe a lot to the Bluesbreakers but so do Fleetwood Mac, especially their original main man Peter Green. Green may not have made it to the bands most commercial era but his early playing gave the band a huge cult following and very quickly made them a major name in the late 1960s gig scene. Fleetwood Mac also took John McVie from the Bluesbreakers, further emphaising the role of Mayall in the British rock scene and if that wasn’t enough, they also produced a key guitarist for the Rolling Stones.
Okay, it wasn’t Brian Jones or Keith Richards but Mick Taylor was a major part of the Stones early 70s sound, which remains many peoples favourite era as it was the time when the band really gelled and produced a run of great albums. Mick Jagger may believe its all due to his vocals and struts but there was so much more to the Stones than his big lips.
So the proof of the Blues pudding is in the eating but even if you don’t like the Bluesbreakers, the songs and styles of so many more acts will be channelled during the shows. Whether it’s the old devil at the crossroads authentic blues styles of people like Robert Johnson or Lead Belly or the later, electrified stomp of Howling Wolf or John Lee Hooker, there’s a style of blues music to appeal to everyone. All of which goes to show, there is no age barrier to great Blues music and there is something major to get your teeth into this week.

STEEL PANTHER rock 229 Club with SLEAZY ROCK N' ROLL

As anyone that knows us here in the Bathroom will already know, we are HUGE Steel Panther fans. In fact, I am prepared to go as far as saying that not only are they the finest band working today, but Feel The Steel is the album of 2009 by an absolute mile and that they are quite possibly the saviours of rock n' roll (a full explanation of that rather strong statement later). Anyway, after tearing the Download Festival apart and blowing EVERYONE off stage, they then came down to London for a cracking UK headline debut at the 229 Club. Mid-set they were joined on stage by Justin Hawkins (we really should honour that dude with a T-shirt) to perform the Steel Panther song "Fuck All Nite (Party All Day)" that he provided guest vocals for on the Feel The Steel album, before then doing a blistering version of I Believe In A Thing Called Love. Then, just as Justin left the stage, Michael Starr, Steel Panther frontman did us the great honour of showing the crowd just how awesome our Sleazy Rock N' Roll T-shirts are.....



Thanks to Michael, Satchel, Lexxi and Stix. You guys rock

Some bands just live forever

“Where were you while we were getting high?”
Its one of the most evocative lyrics from ‘Champagne Supernova’, the big finishing track from Oasis’s ‘Whats The Story (Morning Glory?)’ record but it could easily be said about the fans who have been flocking to see them in stadiums across Britain and Ireland in recent weeks. There are still plenty more stadiums to go as the band plough through their homeland with no great regard for pleasantries or niceties. Brothers Noel Gallagher, the main songwriter and guitarist, and younger brother Liam Gallagher are the public face and image of the group and they seem to polarise opinion very easily.
Of course, for those who lived through Britpop, it can be hard to think of Oasis, without mentioning Blur. The chart scrap between ‘Roll With It’ and ‘Country House’ may have saw two of the weaker songs in both bands arsenal fighting it out but their paths have taken a very different route since. Oasis have never left the stadiums but many say that they have lost the knack of song writing, whilst the individual stock of Blur members has never been higher since their split. Whether it is Damon Albarn in the Gorillaz, Graeme Coxon on his own or working with Pete Doherty, Alex James working with Damien Hirst and Keith Allen whilst selling cheese or even drummer Dave, who has dallied with helicopter flying, law and politics, the four members of Blur have been fairly active. This summer though, they are back and ready to do battle with Oasis once again as both bands fill stadiums and play major shows this month and for the rest of the summer. So whether you are “Girls who are boys who like boys to be girls” or even just looking to expand your ‘Parklife’, there’s a lot to enjoy this summer.
The Britpop era of music hasn’t aged too badly but another of the main stars of the era is also on the comeback trail and although Jarvis Cocker may be appearing on a smaller stage than Oasis or Blur, he doesn’t lack a fanatical fan base. His antic at waving his arse at Michael Jackson at the Brit Awards may have overshadowed some of the band music but there are very few fans out there who remained unaware of Jarvis Cocker after that incident. Many stars and people have came out and criticised the King of Pop for his actions and behaviour but few have managed it in such a manner that Jarvis Cocker did.
One thing that all three acts have in common is a debt of gratitude to bands like The Stone Roses, The Smiths and Joy Division. All three hailed from Manchester, giving an immediate Oasis link but their different styles of British guitar music and popular tunes can be heard in all the major acts of the Britpop era. There’s very little in music that is truly and of course, the music of bands like Oasis owes as much to the swaggering pomp of the Rolling Stones or Led Zeppelin as it does to the lyrical style of Ian Brown but there should be no doubt that Britpop borrowed heavily from music’s past.
For new generations, this is a great aspect about finding new bands, as it makes it easier to get into classic stars and great lyrics from a bygone era but as some of the biggest stars of the Britpop era return to ensure the world stills remembers their name, they will have to battle with some of the even older statesmen of indie and rock this summer. For some fans, it is all about Oasis and Blur but for those of a slightly older vintage, Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young and AC/DC will be of much, if not more, interest than the stars who first found fame in mid 1990s.

It may be Download to the kids, but it will always be MONSTERS OF ROCK to me

It may be the time of year for the Download Music Festival but for many people, the combination of Donnington and heavy metal can only mean the Monsters of Rock! There is a link between the old and the new at this years Download though with two of the three Main Stage Headliners having enough old school charm to have avoided a barrage of piss back in the day.
The Sunday night is all about nostalgia with Def Leppard being the band to bring the festival to a close. The band may not be the multi million sellers that they were in their heyday when Steve Clarke unleashed the riffs that rocked the world. Sadly, Clarke is no longer with us but the band have ploughed on and still manage to please the fans with a mixture of old and new material. Joining Def Leppard on the Sunday evening bill is Whitesnake with lead singer David Coverdale still capable of reaching the high notes and bringing joy to the masses, just like during Whitesnake's awesome 1990 Headline performance with the peerless Steve Vai in tow. There is probably a twinge of regret in Coverdale when he sees the accolades given to former colleague Jimmy Page after he reunited with Robert Plant and John Paul Jones to bring the Led Zeppelin name back to the tip of everyone’s tongue. Sunday night will hopefully offer Coverdale another chance to have his time in the spotlight and maybe give the band a new lease of life.
Coverdale isn’t the only artist with a Donnington history who is looking to make another impression this time around. Younger fans may associate Duff MacKagan with Velvet Revolver or his new Duff MacKagan's Loaded outfit but for the majority of his fans, Duff will always be the bassist of Guns N Roses. The band were in their first flush of worldwide success when tragedy struck their Monsters of Rock set in a set which has been remembered for all the wrong reasons. Even as Duff, Slash, Izzy Stradlin and Axl Rose left the stage to rapturous applause, no one in the Guns N Roses camp were to know what had unfolded.
Of course, Guns N Roses have played many gigs and tours and seemed to fall out with so many people along the way. Faith No More, another Download headliner, had a feud with the act but you can add them to a list that involves Metallica, Megadeth and another Download act Limp Bizkit. Okay, Axl Rose may not be the most stable of people which means that arguments were never too far away but the amount of Guns N Roses t-shirts on sale still indicates their endearing popularity. If the weather is good, then the lyrics of Paradise City recalling a place where the grass is green and the girls are pretty may ring true for Download but it seems as though the festival is linked with rain and mud, which seems to fit with the avalanche of volume that cascades from the stages.
No matter who floats your boat at Download, whether it is ZZ Top showing the youngsters how to rock out or the new wave of acts like Pendulum or Dragonforce indicating their influences, there is likely to be something for every lover of hard rocking music.
So this weekend, with printer and resident artist Tom being away at the Le Mans 24 Hours, myself and chief T-shirt folder-upper Jack will be at Download. Jack, being a Teenager is most looking forward to Slipknott and Marilyn Manson, while I just know that with the likes of Motley Crue, Def Leppard and Whitesnake on the bill, it will be the perfect stage for the mighty Steel Panther to raise their game to new heights and blow everyone away - prompting all rock fans to cry "Death To All But Metal" (that's "but metal", not "butt metal"

Let Rock Stars rule the world....

With the current financial and political crisis engulfing Britain and most of the world, you’d have to think that some of your favourite rock n roll heroes couldn’t do any worse than some of the clowns in charge of our lives at the moment? Would Ozzy Osbourne be any worse than Gordon Brown or would Angus Young be the man to lead the education department to higher levels of success. Perhaps the school uniform leads you to think that Angus Young will have an affinity with the needs of the kids but rock n roll is full of music school heroes and influences like Sid Vicious or Keith Moon. One musician putting himself in the running to have a say in governing public office is Krist Novoselic, a blast from the past from the 90s grunge world. Novoselic may not be as famous as former bandmates Kurt Cobain or Dave Grohl but he was an instrumental part in the success of Nirvana but he has already admitted his signing up for this role is nothing but a publicity stunt to advertise his displeasure at the flaws in the local political situation. The name of his party, the Grange Party, will bring to mind the era of grunge and the true impact that Novoselic made on the world.
The after Nirvana career of Novoselic may not be as rock n roll as Dave Grohl, the leader of the Foo Fighters a band who have probably outsold Nirvana and positioned themselves as stadium rockers alongside Red Hot Chili Peppers, U2 and AC/DC. Yes, Grohl is as much of an enigmatic front man as Anthony Keidis or Brian Johnson and would probably be guaranteed of enough votes if he ran for political office to sweep to power.
That said, the early 90s grunge band had a huge sway over their fans and have political ideas and this was shown perfectly by Pearl Jam, who are still railing against the injustices in the world. The biggest thing that Eddie Vedder and the boys managed was their campaign and Ticketmaster and the extortionate fees which means that even if Alive or the vocals of Eddie Vedder meant nothing to you, they are deserving of at least some of your respect. Singers like Layne Stayley may have burned out rather than fading away but Pearl Jam have hung around and even though Cobain will be forever linked with Neil Young for citing his lyrics to ‘Hey, Hey, My, My’ in his suicide note, it was Pearl Jam who recorded and played live with Neil Young in the mid 90’s.
Music has always had a strong link to politics with one of the most popular folk rockers and protest singers being Bob Dylan, a strong contemporary of Neil Young. Bob may no longer be the angry young man railing against the ills of the world but his influence still lives on and his views on life back then are still valid today. Many are concerned about the anti social behaviour shown by the youth of today and the lyrics of Subterranean Homesick Blues where Bob wails about the fact that “the pump don’t work cause the vandals took the handles” is as relevant today as it was when His Bobness first launched the track onto the world.

Who will be your Summer influence?

Its time for summer and as well as great times drinking with your mates, its time for the summer festivals and what better way to celebrate than combining them both and living up to some rock n roll excess? If you want to raise the bar when it comes to living up to the rock n roll maxim then you only have to look as far as Keith Richards. Okay, he may be Johnny Depp’s dad in the Pirates of the Caribbean films but who else would you want to take health tips from? If even half of the rumours about Richards are true, the one where around time of Exile On Main Street he got his blood transfused every few years to clean himself out is a particular favourite, then that’s more than good enough for most people. Whether its the sneering dismissal of men who don’t smoke the same brand of cigarettes as himself in the lyrics to Satisfaction or the fact that he has put up with Mick Jaggers preening and silly dancing for all these years, there really is no better role model than Keith Richards.
Although to be fair to Keefy, his excesses have usually focused on drink and drinks, with Mick, Marianne and a Mars Bar adding the sexuality to Rolling Stones story so if you want to get your rocks off, perhaps you need to look somewhere else for tips. And lets face it, if you want to learn, learn from the best and when it comes to groupie loving, it doesn’t get any better than Led Zeppelin. If Mick and Marianne got up to some funny food fun with chocolate, God knows what the Zeppelin boys were up to that fish on their American tour. When you’re camping at a festival this summer, you may not be able to get your hands on any fresh fish to follow their lead but that shouldn’t stop you trying your luck.
It says so much about Led Zeppelin that in an industry where sex is at the centre of everything that they manage to stand out from their peers so much and with the reunion show reigniting interest in the band for a whole new generation of fans, they have probably never been cooler. Your tent in the mud may not be the same as the legendary Starship from the 1970s American tours but if you want to build your own stairway to heaven, there is no better inspiration than Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, John Paul Jones or John ‘Bonzo’ Bonham.
Bonzo may be gone but is definitely not forgotten, much like his fellow sticksman and hellraiser, The Who's Keith Moon. Not too many people can go toe to toe or drink to drink with Oliver Reed or could dismantle a hotel room in 5 minutes flat, let alone drive a Rolls Royce into a swimming pool so the legend of the Moon lives on. If you want to rock out to the maximum this summer, signal your intentions from the start by taking your lead from some of rock n roll’s hardest living heroes.