1) Blankets – This is not fucking Glyndebourne. Either stand up or sit on the ground. And certainly no shooting sticks or picnic chairs
2) You are standing in a field. There are no seats. No seat numbers. So you can not reserve a space for your friends and get arsy when someone stands within a 2 metre radius of you. Similarly if someone taller than you stands in front of you, too bad. If you had eaten your vegetables as kid like your mum said you would be taller.
3) Face paint – are you a teenage public school girl cheering on Andy Murray at Wimbledon? No? Well don’t do it then.
4) Flags – yes, I know they have got very popular this year – which is the problem. So popular that you can see fuck all from behind them.
5) Putting your girlfriend on your shoulders. She now has two choices. Either she flashes her tits or she is going to get bombarded with bottles. The choice is yours.
6) Talking of girlfriends…. Taking girlfriends that have no interest in the music and whose last CD purchase was a Ministry of Sound chillout album. The only people exempt from this rule are Australians as they have the ‘Beer Wench’ sorted. English girlfriends are far more likely to whine and then 2 minutes before the headline act comes on say something like “oh, go on babes. I really fancy a glass of wine and some chips. Plleeeeaase”
7) Fancy dress – Is your ex-wife denying you access to your child? No? Well drop the Fathers-For-Justice look. It looks bloody stupid on stag nighters and idiots at the cricket. It looks even dumber at a festival
8) Crusties doing circus acts. If you are one, then fuck off. If you see one, it is your duty to garrotte them with their Diablo string or to chock them to death with their stupid knitted hat. While you are at it, make sure you tell them that no one knows their bank account number and sort code off by heart, and that even if they did they wouldn’t give them to them in the street just because they greet you with a cheery wave and a Greenpeace kagool
9) Official merchandise. As we all know, official merch, especially T-shirts suck. But even if it didn’t, you may never, ever, ever, ever, ever buy a T-shirt at the gig and then put it on. It is not cool. In fact it is worse than not cool. It is the mark of a rank amateur and a complete tool. What are you expecting to happen? Someone to look at you and your crispy new T-shirt and say “Cool T-shirt man. Wow, are you really here at this gig, just like me and 50,000 other people? That is too awesome, you really are my new hero”
10) Lighters – unless of course you are at a Bob Jovi concert.
No doubt I have missed a couple, so please feel free to add suggestion for more offences deserving of a concert banning order